You know the one. That quiet little voice in the back of your head reminds you every once in a while that there’s an unresolved conflict or pebble of resentment festering.
One of the most common questions I get asked as a therapist is, “What do I say?” Finding the right words to initiate a difficult conversation can be so daunting that we put off the conversation altogether–kicking the can down the road waiting for the “right time.” But there’s never a “right time.”
There’s just the moment you decide to take care of yourself by not tolerating splinters of negativity to take up space in your mind.
Splinters of negativity take a toll.
So, here’s a formula for initiating a difficult conversation that makes the other person more open and less defensive:
State your intention for having the conversation and the ideal outcome you hope to achieve.
“This relationship is important to me. I miss feeling close to you, and I'm hoping we can repair things so we can start enjoying each other's company again.”
Find something–ANYTHING–to validate about the other person.
“I respect your opinion about many things and know you are a thoughtful person.”
Take ownership of your part in the conflict.
“I know that the fact that I’ve been angry and withdrawn has made things worse between us.”
Clarify how you will behave in the conversation.
“I promise to stay calm. If I start to get heated, I’ll take a pause. I’m going to do my best to really listen to what you have to say and understand your perspective.”
It is possible to agree to disagree, and that is predicated on showing up, leaning in, and listening.
So, do yourself a favor and stop avoiding that hard conversation.
Which unresolved conflict or pebble of resentment will you take initiative on today?