Know the Formula for Repair

Conflict happens–even in the best of relationships. We lose our cool, say things we regret, and end up wishing we could rewind and do things differently.

But more important than the ability to prevent conflict is the ability to repair.

Here is a three-step formula for repairing relationships after conflict:

Validate
Own your part
Focus on what you both need

Let’s take these one at a time.

To set the stage for a productive conversation, it goes a long way to validate something–anything–about the other person’s experience. Say something like, “I can see now why my actions upset you, even though I didn’t mean for them to.”

Then, owning your part softens the other person’s defensiveness even more. Say something like, “I feel terrible that I lost my temper and yelled at you. I know that only made things worse.”

Finally, shift the conversation to what you both need from each other in order to move past this.

Here is the most important thing to know about conflict:

Conflict is almost always about unmet or threatened needs.

You might want to read that again, because understanding it is the key to repair. What typically happens during conflict is both parties focus on the ways the other person has wronged them. But focusing on grievances escalates conflict.

When you shift the conversation to needs, you can have a constructive dialogue about how both of you can get your needs met. So, step three is to identify what you need from the other person, and invite them to tell you what they need from you. Say something like, “I need to be able to step away and collect my thoughts when you’re angry with me, so I can hear what you’re saying instead of being reactive. What do you need from me to feel better about this?”

This is the formula for repair.

Is there anyone with whom you need to have a reparative conversation?