Much research has been done to determine the ideal ratio between positive and negative interactions in relationships, including that by psychologist John Gottman who says the “Magic Ratio” is 5:1. In his research, this ratio of five positive to every one negative interaction was critical in predicting long-term relationship success, particularly in romantic partnerships.
Equally, if not more, compelling is the research on gratitude, which is known to improve multiple mental health issues, including depression, PTSD, and anxiety, increase resilience, enhance relationships, and improve physical health.
However, if I had titled this article, “Practice Gratitude” or “Be Positive,” you likely would have rolled your eyes and given it a cursory skim. I get it. I would do the same. Why? Because we are so bombarded with messaging about being grateful and keeping a positive attitude that it feels annoying, out of touch, and dismissive of how difficult it can be to manage the thought tracks in our heads on a daily basis.
And here’s the thing: Being grateful and positive all the time is not a realistic or even a helpful goal.
We need to acknowledge our hardships, make space for our negative emotions, and give voice to our truth, in order to figure out what we can do to feel better, have better-feeling relationships, and create the lives we want for ourselves. There is a place for the “negative.” We just want to be aware of our ratio–both in the things we say aloud and in the thought tracks in our heads.
So, how do we maintain the ratio in our heads? Here’s a trick…
Set aside specific times of your days/weeks for focusing on the negative constructively. Maybe you journal in the morning, speak with a therapist once a week, or vent to a friend who is good at giving you perspective. Then, when negative thoughts come up during other times, capture them in a notebook or notes app, so your mind will know you can address them during the designated time and place.
Do the same in your relationships: set aside certain times to check-in and discuss things you could do to make your relationship feel better. And if you remember this communication tip, you can focus on finding solutions rather than on airing grievances:
Talk about what you need rather than what the other person is doing wrong.
Scheduling time for “complaining” helps you keep it contained so it doesn’t spill over and contaminate moments that could otherwise feel good.
And don’t forget, you can improve your ratio by adding positive interactions and dedicating time for gratitude. Just as you designate time for focusing on what’s wrong, make it a practice–a habit–to express appreciation, and be disciplined about it.
So, take a second right now and ask yourself these questions
What is my ratio of complaining vs appreciating?
What is my goal ratio?
What is one shift I can make to achieve that goal?