"He Called Me Ugly"

conversations level with your kids what to say Sep 17, 2020

When a classmate insults your child, what should you say? 

I have a fundamental belief that people—including children—appreciate being leveled with. They feel more confident when they are given an accurate representation of reality. On the flip side, they feel unsure when they are given bogus information.
 
You need not look much further than your own children to see evidence of this. Children learn to spot a parent’s gush at an early age and, the older they get, the more they realize that Mom and Dad see them through rose-colored glasses—glasses that the rest of the world isn’t wearing. The more often Mom and Dad's words conflict with reality, the less likely their words will have any power.
 
So as painful as it is when someone says something unkind to a child of yours, your best bet is to level with your child. Postpone the gushing and the over-the-top praise, which reminds them that you love them, but gives them little information as to how to deal with insults.
 
 
Imagine, for instance, that a classmate calls your nine-year-old daughter “ugly.”
 
When it happened to my daughter, I wanted to react in horror, and to then let her know that I think she is the most beautiful girl in the world. I wanted to point out all of her perfections: the smattering of freckles across her tiny little nose, her perfect rainbow-shaped eyebrows, even the large gap between her front teeth is flawless in my eyes.
 
To me, the idea that someone might find her ugly is absurd.
 
But telling her that? She would roll her beautiful, round, expressive brown eyes and say, “Of course you think that. You’re my mom.”
 
Deep down, though, she would think that Oliver was right—that she is, indeed, ugly.
 
So how should we respond to insults instead?
 
Here’s how it played out in my family.
 
“Mommy,” she said quietly from the back seat. “Oliver called me ugly.”
 
 
Those words crushed me, but fortunately, I remembered that feelings of pain are reminders to slow down, listen, and investigate. Take your time, I reminded myself.
 
I didn’t react in shock or let out a gasp. I wanted to, but I remembered that my daughter will take her cue from me. If I reacted in horror, I would have communicated that what Oliver said was something that should upset my daughter tremendously.
 
Instead, I took a deep breath and bought some time so that I could think.
 
“Hmmm,” I said. “Why do you think he said that?”
 
“I don’t know,” she said. Her voice was getting louder. “He just walked up and told me that I’m ugly.”
 
“Is he mad at you about something?”
 
“No!” she was angry now. “I’m always nice to him. I was minding my own business eating lunch, and he just walked up and told me that I’m ugly.”
 
“Wow,” I said. “That isn’t very kind. I would probably feel angry if someone said that to me.”
 
I wanted to start in with a lecture that sounded something like this: “People who say unkind things are feeling bad inside. Blah blah blah. No one can make you ugly with their worlds alone. Blah blah blah. Remember how this made you feel and never do it to another person. Blah blah blah.”
 
Later, I thought. Start with the truth.
 
“Do you want me to tell you what I think?”
 
“Yes,” she said, still angry.
 
“I cannot possibly know what is going on with Oliver. I don’t know why he would say that to you,” I said. “For all I know, it could have been a dare, or maybe he is mad at you for some reason you don’t know about, and he’s trying to hurt you.
 
"But let’s say that he really does think you are ugly. The truth is this: some people are going to think you are beautiful, and some people are going to think that you are funny-looking, and some people are going to think that you are flat-out ugly. That’s just the way the world works.
 
"Everyone finds different people attractive and unattractive for different reasons, and as you go through life, you will see evidence of that. Your friends will say someone is beautiful, and you won’t agree, or you will think someone is handsome, and your friends won’t agree. It's like: You like macaroons and I think they are disgusting. That’s how life works. People have different opinions about things.”
 
She was quiet. She seemed less angry. Now, I had her buy-in. She wasn’t rolling her eyes. She wasn’t listening to platitudes from her adoring parent. She knew she was getting the truth.
 
“Does that make sense?” I asked.
 
“Yes.”
 
“For instance, Daryl thinks I’m the prettiest person alive. But do you know what someone said to me once?” My voice was playful.
 
She perked up. “What?!”
 
 
 
“Someone once told me that I would be pretty, but my eyes are crazy-looking and it makes my face scary,” I said.
 
(This was a true story. The guy who said it was my best friend’s boyfriend. It hurt then, but today, I wonder what was going on inside of him that he would offer up this unsolicited feedback.)
 
“What a jerk!” said my daughter
 
“Yeah,” I said, laughing. “He was usually a nice guy, but that sure wasn’t a kind thing to say out loud, even if he thought it inside.
 
“Here’s the other thing,” I continued. “The people who love you will always like looking at you, no matter what you look like. For instance, half the time you don’t brush your hair and you have food stuck to your face. I still like looking at you, even when your face is filthy.”
 
Now she was giggling. She was in a place to hear the rest.
 
“Remember that when people say mean things, it has more to do with them than it does with you. Oliver can say all sorts of words. He can really say anything he wants, but saying them doesn’t make them true. He can say that you are a Green Bay Packer quarterback or that you are a purple rhinoceros, but saying that doesn’t make them true. No one can make you ugly with their words alone.
 
"And that’s what I mean when I say that it has more to do with him than with you. His words aren’t necessarily true, but he must have been feeling really bad inside to say that. A person who felt happy inside would never tell you that you are ugly, even if they thought it. Him saying those mean, ugly words is a way for him to say that he feels bad inside. You can and should stay away from him if he says things that are unkind, but remember to have compassion for people who feel bad inside.”
 
And I could say, “Remember how this made you feel and never do it to another person. Choose kind words because your words are powerful.”
 
And finally, I could say, “If Oliver thinks you are ugly, he must have horrible taste. I mean, look at this face. Look at those adorable freckles across your nose. In my book, you are the cutest thing that has ever existed."
 
A Final Thought
This same strategy applies no matter what the insult is, and no matter who says it. A few weeks ago, my daughter spent an afternoon saying she was dumb. The best I could tell, she was struggling with her math facts, and she felt stupid. Still, I didn't like listening to her insult herself. I allowed her to state her feelings, dug a little deeper, and then said, "The truth is, everyone struggles with something. I am a terrible dancer. My knowledge of history, or rather, my lack of knowledge, is embarrassing. I'm a writer for Pete's sake, and I have trouble remembering when to use lie and when to use lay.
 
"It's true that you don't know your math facts yet, and most of your classmates do. You might think you are dumb, and other people might think you are dumb, but guess what? You are also really really good at some things. You are a great swimmer. You are an amazing friend. You solve problems and invent things. I'm never ever going to worry about whether you will find a passion.
 
"Are you where you should be with math? Nope. But you are way ahead in some areas, and you can learn math. You can keep calling yourself dumb if you want to. I won't be able to stop you, but I don't think it's true, and I don't think it's worthwhile to tell yourself that. I think you are way better off spending that time learning your math facts."
 
 
 
 
 
“Someone once told me that I would be pretty, but my eyes are crazy-looking and it makes my face scary,” I said.
 
(This was a true story. The guy who said it was my best friend’s boyfriend. It hurt then, but today, I wonder what was going on inside of him that he would offer up this unsolicited feedback.)
 
“What a jerk!” said my daughter
 
“Yeah,” I said, laughing. “He was usually a nice guy, but that sure wasn’t a kind thing to say out loud, even if he thought it inside.
 
“Here’s the other thing,” I continued. “The people who love you will always like looking at you, no matter what you look like. For instance, half the time you don’t brush your hair and you have food stuck to your face. I still like looking at you, even when your face is filthy.”
 
Now she was giggling. She was in a place to hear the rest.
 
“Remember that when people say mean things, it has more to do with them than it does with you. Oliver can say all sorts of words. He can really say anything he wants, but saying them doesn’t make them true. He can say that you are a Green Bay Packer quarterback or that you are a purple rhinoceros, but saying that doesn’t make them true. No one can make you ugly with their words alone.
 
"And that’s what I mean when I say that it has more to do with him than with you. His words aren’t necessarily true, but he must have been feeling really bad inside to say that. A person who felt happy inside would never tell you that you are ugly, even if they thought it. Him saying those mean, ugly words is a way for him to say that he feels bad inside. You can and should stay away from him if he says things that are unkind, but remember to have compassion for people who feel bad inside.”
 
And I could say, “Remember how this made you feel and never do it to another person. Choose kind words because your words are powerful.”
 
And finally, I could say, “If Oliver thinks you are ugly, he must have horrible taste. I mean, look at this face. Look at those adorable freckles across your nose. In my book, you are the cutest thing that has ever existed."
 
A Final Thought
This same strategy applies no matter what the insult is, and no matter who says it. A few weeks ago, my daughter spent an afternoon saying she was dumb. The best I could tell, she was struggling with her math facts, and she felt stupid. Still, I didn't like listening to her insult herself. I allowed her to state her feelings, dug a little deeper, and then said, "The truth is, everyone struggles with something. I am a terrible dancer. My knowledge of history, or rather, my lack of knowledge, is embarrassing. I'm a writer for Pete's sake, and I have trouble remembering when to use lie and when to use lay.
 
"It's true that you don't know your math facts yet, and most of your classmates do. You might think you are dumb, and other people might think you are dumb, but guess what? You are also really really good at some things. You are a great swimmer. You are an amazing friend. You solve problems and invent things. I'm never ever going to worry about whether you will find a passion.
 
"Are you where you should be with math? Nope. But you are way ahead in some areas, and you can learn math. You can keep calling yourself dumb if you want to. I won't be able to stop you, but I don't think it's true, and I don't think it's worthwhile to tell yourself that. I think you are way better off spending that time learning your math facts."
 

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